I was thirsty

I was.   It wasn’t really slaked by Lost Boys: The Thirst.

It came really close to being just a good bad-movie romp.  The movie was not made to win awards.  That doesn’t mean it couldn’t be a good time.

There were a few problems, though.  Most of them were Corey Feldman.  The man is just a total wanker.  The character of Edgar Frog apparently stopped developing at the age of 16 or 17, much like Feldman.  The role should have been easy for him.

The results of Feldman’s portrayal of the role is some kind of weird gravelly-voiced nonsense and stiff line delivery.  Someone should have told him just to be himself.  No acting required.  Acting should be left to actors.

The worst (or best, depending) part of Feldman’s portrayal was achieved in the overall look.  Feldman and whoever does makeup and wardrobe managed to make the character look like a caveman in grunge.  Truly spectacular and really hard to get out of your head once you realize that the movie is actually Unfrozen Caveman Vampire Hunter.

This is how it appeared to me:

 

 

Feldmagnonman

 

I dare you to tell me I’m wrong:

 

Feldman in Lost Boys: The Thirst

 

That provides almost enough laughter to make it all worth it.

But wait, there’s more…

The movie follows your typical vamp story.  Vamps, victim’s fam, vamp hunter.  We go through the usual hullabaloo until we get to the final showdown.  Standard stuff.  This movie doesn’t deviate and adds well-used concepts such as (i) vamp blood as drug, (ii) raves and techno vampishness, (iii) search for the Head Vampire, which will incidentally save the other Frog brother who was turned in the opening flashback sequence.

It’s all about the characters really.  Feldman is tracked down by a lass (and writer of sultry vampire fiction) searching for her brother (Felix Mosse, a dead ringer for the imaginary love child of Dicaprio and Anna Sophia Robb), presumably a vampire victim.  This woman is a cross between Emily Blunt and Lara Croft.

 

Tanit Phoenix and Corey Feldman

 

I’m not complaining.  A vixen is a requirement of the C+ Horror Movie (as is the hero’s best bud female character).  Besides, the movie and the actress are surely laughing along with us here.

Now that we’ve gotten around to the vampire hunt, we get the usual personal dilemmas, ridiculous flashbacks and perhaps just a glimmer of a montage.

As you can imagine, nothing is what it seems!  The real head vampire is not who we thought it was!  Etc, etc, stakes, ritual sacrifice, beheadings, love and redemption.  Joy.  It’s finally over.

What really saved it from utter disaster was Lars, the rival vamp hunter and reality TV tool.  A preening cock and genuine bad-movie foil.  He played it to the hilt and I love him for it.

Best quote of the movie?

Edgar Frog, “That’s enough of that.”

Damn right!  Uttered at the end of the movie, I swear Feldman delivered it in a normal voice.  Perhaps he knew what he was doing all along….nah.

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About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator improbablefrontiers.com
This entry was posted in Film, Literature and Entertainment and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to I was thirsty

  1. autumnforest says:

    Damn! Damn! Damn! I was dumb enough to watch the second followup for the single greatest vampire movie ever, but this one I had some tiny hopes for. It seemed like it had a bigger budget and maybe more time to consider where the second one did a belly flop. Yeah, Frog is a great character if he had developed along a predictable line. I’d give an antisocial dark thinking guy like him a real hermet personna and maybe an adulthood filled with pushing people away for their own protection and not making eye contact with people for fear they may befriend him and be in danger. I don’t know–there’s so many ways it could have gone. I’m glad you gave it away somewhat. I just needed a nibble. I will probably see it on DVD, but I won’t expect much. The original just had that teenage disenfranchised feeling down pat and Keifer was awesome! I wonder what ever happened to that totally sexy older brother? Wow, I bet he had to have aged like a fine wine….

  2. This puts me in mind of that well known epigram ~ “Nothing pricks quite like a dull, dirty blade plunged passionately.”

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