Stoker? You nearly killed her

I watched a little bit of Bram Stoker’s Dracula the other day.  I have never been able to stomach it.  I don’t know why I keep trying.

My stubbornness in this endeavor is due in part to my enjoyment of the actual novel by Stoker.  Additionally, people seem to have a fondness for this film.

Obviously, I watch a lot of trash, so it seems like I should just find some joy it in.  Somewhere.

Sadly, it does not generate any fond feelings in me.  It actually puts me somewhere in between maniacal laughter and nausea.  Similar to that time you downed all those blue and yellow pills with a half bottle of Night Train.

You probably know the story already.  It’s pretty well-known.  The movie kind of resembles it.  Then again, it kind of doesn’t.

Sure the players are all there and there’s a boat and some creepy shadows.  The movie also boasts set details and clothing that only a good-sized budget will allow.  There’s also a filmmaker’s need to make everything literal and in your face.  THIS IS THE MOVIES, DAMMIT.  LOOK AT IT!  GLORIOUS!  WILL ONE OF YOU PEONS FETCH ME MY WEDNESDAY CAVIAR SPOON!

I can hear you screaming at your monitor now, “What about the love!”

Ah, the love.  How can I ignore such a touching love story?  And the poor gals.  They are just seeking the freedom to express such love passionately and unashamedly (and physically, oooh yeah).  Aren’t they?  And our hero, Dracula?  Such a dashing character, our Prince Vlad.  I could just pinch him.  He did it all for love, ya know.  I’m almost positive that Peter Cetera was singing about The Impaler in his fab song Glory of Love (remember, the ladies love Cetera, so by default, you love Cetera).

Look, I’ll forgive a lot of things to get a look at Monica Bellucci on film (yes, I will even put up with Keanu.  I’ll even put up with sad Keanu as directed by the Wachowski brothers).


Bellucci as one of the blushing brides




When I watch this particular film, I feel like Lucy in this scene.  Embarrassed, ashamed and with a disgusting, hairy, metallic taste in my mouth.  Who knew Vlad was into furry roleplay humping.  Truly beastly.

About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator
This entry was posted in Film, Literature and Entertainment. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Stoker? You nearly killed her

  1. I saw that movie in L.A. I liked the horses leaping from the boxcar and galloping away scene. If the movie had ended right there I would have been more than pleased.

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