Left Me Cold

Timberline Lodge Ski Area on Mount Hood, showi...

Image via Wikipedia

So, I finally watched Frozen.

A long time ago, in a frozen wasteland far, far away….I had heard good rumblings about this movie.  It was going back to a simpler time in thriller movies.  Simple.  Clean.  Focused.

Bullshit.

We get the story of some jamokes stranded on a ski lift.  Think Open Water with snow and wolves instead of sea and sharks.  Only, think about the version of Open Water your 8-year-old neighbor and his best pal reenacted in the above-ground pool.

Everything about it felt two hops north of ridiculous.  I almost died of a laughter-induced coughing fit watching a character sledding down the mountain….sitting on a snowboard… while chased by a rabid pack of (rather tame looking) “wolves”.

The film felt forced to me.  The situation, the bitter cold, the problem solving, the wolves.  The best scene was courtesy of actress Emma Bell, who did an admirable job of conveying the moment you give up and pee yourself.  It was probably a bit melodramatic, but after slogging through the movie to that point, it felt honest and raw in comparison.

I’ve spent a ton of time on ski lifts.  I’ve even been stuck on one for quite a long time (though, granted, not overnight at a closed mountain overrun by a pack of ravenous wolves).  Nevertheless, I couldn’t have felt less like I knew what it was like to sit on a lift from having watched this movie.

Don’t get me wrong, there are heap worse movies out there.  However, this one fell short of the positive reviews to a degree I wasn’t expecting.  Especially considering that I fell into it accidentally early one morning.  Surprise movie-time usually requires very little to entertain.

It should have been a nice wintry treat.  Instead it was a crappy off-brand, sugar-free hot cocoa with  no marshmallows.  That scalded your tongue and dripped on your cashmere sweater.

Given that it’s zero degrees Fahrenheit with wind chill of twenty-five below and the dog hasn’t eaten yet, I think I can film a more realistic wolf-attack scene in my back yard right now.  Assuming I can get to the back yard without falling to my death on the three-inch-thick ice sheet that formed on the walkway.

Let’s have a look at the story board….

Waiting for your ass to fall from the lift....

On the hunt.

OH SHIT RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

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About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator improbablefrontiers.com
This entry was posted in Film, Literature and Entertainment and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Left Me Cold

  1. autumnforest says:

    Scout, right? Your dog should have been hired to do the movie. I thought about seeing it just because I love cold movies (since it’s never freaking cold here). Glad you gave me the warning. It might be good for laughs, huh?

  2. *tosses a fistful of wieners (the european kind) behind me and runs,

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