Amityville Should Be a Facebook Game, Right?

I listened to Christopher Lutz on the radio yesterday.  He is all up in arms about something or other.  The True Story, his parents, childhood bullies or Hollywood bullies.  I’m not sure.  He rambled quite a bit.

I gather that Lutz has some kind of challenge out to the entertainment powers regarding who can come up with the best story.  The part where I lost interest was where Lutz conspicuously had nothing new to offer.

You gotta give a little to get a little, bro.  Specifics.  Thanks.  Until then, I’m not listening.

So, we have Lutz’s lonely Facebook vs the new Amityville movies (Amityville Legacy and The Amityville Horror: The Lost Tapes).

It just so happens that Amityville 3D was on the tube later in the afternoon.  I had never actually seen it.  Naturally, I watched it.

It is a wretched, awful piece of filmmaking.

Our main character is skeptical douchebag newsman John Baxter, played by none other than Tony Roberts.  Tony is what you picture when someone asks what a TV-movie actor should look like.  He is the love child of the great Ron Perlman and Ron Burgundy.

Tony Roberts isn’t the only thing this film has going for it.  Tess Harper, playing Baxter’s wife, certainly looked haunted throughout.  And Candy Clark‘s character can only be explained by possession.

The movie also tosses us Lori Loughlin (now forever known as Melvin-Smacking Penguin) as Baxter’s teen daughter and Meg Ryan as the teen gal pal.  Meg.  Meg.  Meg…..we all had to start somewhere.

So, yeah, this should have worked.  Right?  With all that talent?

It’s the story that really shines.  John Baxter! buys the evil house.  People die.  They discover an evil, glowing blue hot tub in the basement.  The flies are there.  There is the obligatory car accident of doom, complete with the giant pipe through the windshield (this is 3D, after all) and a moving, charred corpse bursting into flame.

The film hits its peak when the house takes out Lori Loughlin.  Didn’t really expect them to follow through on that.  It created a moment for me when I thought, “hey, this might be the start of something interesting.”  I was sort of right.

Baxter’s wife goes crazy, with some help from our favorite evil house.  He then brings in a paranormal investigation group with rooms full of blinking equipment; tiny, cruddy monitors; and camera and mic crew everywhere.

Thankfully, the house isn’t shy.  112 Ocean Avenue gets right down to it.  Luring crazy Nancy to the evil hot tub, where a giant demon fetus (or a demon giant fetus – hard to tell) awaits her.  Somehow the house is foiled in this.  I have to think it didn’t really care because I’ve seen it do much better with far fewer assets.


Anyway, the house then implodes.  Slowly.  With maximum screaming.  That house sure does look a lot more sturdy from the outside.

Where the hell did that giant fan come from?


I would love to say I hated it, but who doesn’t love a good house implosion?



About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator
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7 Responses to Amityville Should Be a Facebook Game, Right?

  1. Autumnforest says:

    Dear Lord, you are the bravest man I’ve ever known to watch that.

  2. “It is a wretched, awful piece of filmmaking.” You should join me for a movie at Giuseppi’s Burnt Oak drive-in one Monday night. He only shows movies that are wretched and awful. Ski School was the last one I saw.

  3. I do have to ask, how does something like this compare to “Dead Alive?”
    I remember doing a drinking game with some friends. Every time a zombie eats someone’s brains, you take a shot. By the final scene, we were drinking from the bottle.
    Coem and check me out at!

  4. Pingback: Late to the Scary Movies! A review of Amityville Horror | Late to the Movies

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