I listened to Christopher Lutz on the radio yesterday. He is all up in arms about something or other. The True Story, his parents, childhood bullies or Hollywood bullies. I’m not sure. He rambled quite a bit.
I gather that Lutz has some kind of challenge out to the entertainment powers regarding who can come up with the best story. The part where I lost interest was where Lutz conspicuously had nothing new to offer.
You gotta give a little to get a little, bro. Specifics. Thanks. Until then, I’m not listening.
It just so happens that Amityville 3D was on the tube later in the afternoon. I had never actually seen it. Naturally, I watched it.
It is a wretched, awful piece of filmmaking.
Our main character is skeptical douchebag newsman John Baxter, played by none other than Tony Roberts. Tony is what you picture when someone asks what a TV-movie actor should look like. He is the love child of the great Ron Perlman and Ron Burgundy.
So, yeah, this should have worked. Right? With all that talent?
It’s the story that really shines. John Baxter! buys the evil house. People die. They discover an evil, glowing blue hot tub in the basement. The flies are there. There is the obligatory car accident of doom, complete with the giant pipe through the windshield (this is 3D, after all) and a moving, charred corpse bursting into flame.
The film hits its peak when the house takes out Lori Loughlin. Didn’t really expect them to follow through on that. It created a moment for me when I thought, “hey, this might be the start of something interesting.” I was sort of right.
Baxter’s wife goes crazy, with some help from our favorite evil house. He then brings in a paranormal investigation group with rooms full of blinking equipment; tiny, cruddy monitors; and camera and mic crew everywhere.
Thankfully, the house isn’t shy. 112 Ocean Avenue gets right down to it. Luring crazy Nancy to the evil hot tub, where a giant demon fetus (or a demon giant fetus – hard to tell) awaits her. Somehow the house is foiled in this. I have to think it didn’t really care because I’ve seen it do much better with far fewer assets.
Anyway, the house then implodes. Slowly. With maximum screaming. That house sure does look a lot more sturdy from the outside.
I would love to say I hated it, but who doesn’t love a good house implosion?
- Weinstein Co. and Miramax Bury the Hatchet for ‘Amityville Horror’ Sequel (moviefone.com)
- Another AMITYVILLE HORROR Movie is in the Works (geektyrant.com)
- Get Ready to Discover The Amityville Horror: The Lost Tapes (dreadcentral.com)