The Scariest Thing About Paranormal Activity 3 (and Other Movie Trailer Madness)

….is that it exists at all.

They really went and made a Paranormal Activity 3.  Look, I get it, it’s easy money.  They are in the business of business.  All that jazz.

This is the way of things.

But really, I don’t even know what to make of this trailer.  We get creepy kid face, Bloody Mary incantations and more “amateur home video” footage.

You can also check out a new PA3 viral video, which is apparently one of five, over at Dread Central.  I had been studiously avoiding news of Paranormal Activity 3.  Probably a good idea.  Nevertheless, it’s time to acknowledge it and all the rest of these movies.  October will be fun, even if it kills us all!

Don’t despair.  One good thing did come out of this.  I saw a trailer for something called The Woman.  It looks just disturbing enough to be enjoyable.

Family man and lawyer Christoper Cleek (Sean Bridgers) must do what he can to protect his family when he comes into contact with a feral woman (Pollyana McIntosh) living in the woods near his isolated country home. Through a series of harrowing encounters Cleek and his family quickly discover there is more to this woman than anyone would suspect and that sometimes the devil wears a handsome face.

Not that it was all good after that.  I went and watched a crap ton of trailers (or a ton of crap trailers, depending).  Some more real than others.  Mostly entertaining (youtube is still free).  All kinds of out there.

Grave Encounters:  More “found” footage type shizz going down here.  Investigation goes bad.  Nothing new, really, but it looks interesting.  Sorta? Raw and uncut.  Shocking and controversial? Definitely not.  Leave the hyperbole for the WWF (Monster Brawl is just 8 classic monsters in the ring dukin’ it out).

I Didn’t Come Here to Die:  Didn’t come here to make a good movie either.  I will admit to laughing at 0:28-0:30.  I will watch the whole thing just for that gem.  Plus, I saw a gas mask, a chain saw, tents, an axe, and a white van with darkened windows.  Tell me again they didn’t go there to die.  They are correct though, volunteer work can be a killer!

The Tapes:  I bet you can’t guess what the center of this one is.  Nope.  This time, it’s found footage!  But also, severed pig heads!  Yummm!  This one does get bonus points for British accents.  I love good accents.

11.11.11:  Yeah.  Whatever.  11:11 is considered a good time around these parts.  Maybe it’ll be something new, though.  Directed by the director of Saw 2, 3 and 4?  Never mind.  It’s about a gateway opening up you say?  OK, maybe I’m back on board.  I’m sure I’ll catch it on cable.  The trailer is totally unmemorable.  They are here, I guess.  The angels or demons or the Imperial Droid Army or whatever.  What?  You didn’t see Emperor Palpatine in there?

Rise my friend.

Atrocious:  OK, maybe they are on to something.  Setting expectations is important.  This one looks like it’s about some unsolved murders and some…found footage.

Anyone else around here feel like they need to return some video tapes?

Ahem…so, Atrocious, is in Spanish.  Accents!  Nice.  So, some paranormal investigators, gone missing, found footage.  OK.  But it’s not in English.  Also, some of that footage reminds me of a late-night car ride a couple hours outside of Cancun.  We still don’t like to talk about what went down out there.

Evidence:  The evidence is probably some video tapes.  Camping.  Amateur video.  Something is coming up on you in the dark.  I think I watched this on Cinemax last night.

There is a never-ending avalanche of trailers.

There’s also [REC] 3, Silent Hill 2, and Jeepers Creepers 3 in the sequel category.

In the Zombie genre, we have War of the Dead (zombies and war…I think), Zone of the Dead (Eastern Euro zombies and Interpol), Primal (Aussie wilderness zombies? Sort of. Yeah, I saw this one), and Zombified, which is best summed up by quoting itself, “I think I should destroy it.” I think they should have listened to that advice.  I also believe the zombie song they are worried about is called “Friday” and we should all be concerned.

Next up for zombies is Devil’s Playground….which has British accents!  It also has Danny Dyer, who made me laugh in Doghouse.  And the zombies are scary fast.

Eaters: For those who prefer their zombies Italian.  I’ll take them any old way usually, but this is Uwe Boll.  At least we get to see swastikas?

Heartless:  This one has demons without eyes.  Horrifying.  And the young feller made a deal, but didn’t think he would have to kill.  Kids these days, they’re brutally dum, ain’t they?  But British accents again!

Did anyone see Camp Hell?  It claimed a Friday, Aug 13 drop date.  I missed it.  I always knew those bible camps were scary anyway.  I think this one is most notable for the top comment on the youtube page, “Anyone else just watching a bunch of random horror movie trailers?”

Another Earth:  Looks like it could be a thought-provoking examination of life.  Doubt it fulfills on that, but you can always think for yourselves.  I SAID THINK FOR YOURSELVES, DAMMIT.  RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

The Rift:  Russians and strange phenomena go together like Kahlua and vodka.  Looks good enough to peek at on that point alone.  Not to mention that a rift is just another name for a gateway really, isn’t it?.  Who is on the other side?  Doesn’t anyone ever think maybe we just shouldn’t find out.  Don’t look at me, I’m going full speed ahead.  I’m hoping one of you kids will come up with the wise course of action.

And let’s not forget about The Thing.  Sure, remake.  So what.  This is one of those that is going to be remade into eternity in any number of forms.  We like it that way.

I can’t stop watching trailers.  It just doesn’t end.

The Pack:  French horror!  Surely holds some interest for our culinary fans.

We Are The Night:  German Vampires.

Thale:  Nordic horror movie! About penis? Apparently.  Nobody should miss this.  I think?

There are so many damn trailers, you can’t possibly watch them all.  I am, however, giving it a very strong effort.  Man dies at desk watching horror trailers.  Obama blamed.  News at 11.11.11 11:11PM.

INBRED: I saved this for the end because kids are creepy.  That’s that.  AND BRITISHNESS!

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About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator improbablefrontiers.com
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One Response to The Scariest Thing About Paranormal Activity 3 (and Other Movie Trailer Madness)

  1. Pingback: #2 Paranormal Activity 3 Trailer – Watch Now! | Bollywood Gossip | Hollywood News

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