I Have Things To Do!


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HI FOLKS!  I’m super busy.  Had family gatherings, visitors at the house, stuff getting (and failing to be – fuck you Unnamed Generic Stuff Store; peeking in your direction Pottery Barn, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, wrench to the head…..) delivered.  Scratched out a squiggly illustrated timeline in preparation for Nanowrimo.

I’ve also decided to put my sweat and tears where my mouth is and am furnishing a room entirely with recycled/repurposed stuff (other than paint).  Most of this stuff is going to be pilfered from my own piles of unused parts.  I bet a jawbone would make a nice door knocker.  Don’t you think?

Anywise.  The point was that I haven’t abandoned y’all.  I have, however, passed out from paint fumes and drowned in a pile of sawdust.  Please ignore the seizures and the frothing spittle.

With all that, you are probably wondering why I am even bothering posting right now.

Well, the world is ending today and you know damn well that I love a spirited world-ending party.

You probably recall Harold Camping from such films as “I Will Keep Predicting The End Until I Get It Right” and “Give Me All Your Money to Ensure Good Reservations at The Man’s Table”.  Also from such failed predictions as “1994: The End is Here”, “The World is Ending May 21st” and “No, The World Is Really Ending in October”; and from the Broadway smash hit “I’m A Giant Assface”.

To be honest, that Broadway thing never came to fruition.  Funding the arts is a pain in the rear and nobody appreciates Harold’s comedic genius.

So, if you have time before the end, you can read about that upcoming end here.

“There’s a lot of things that we didn’t have quite right and that’s God’s good provision,” he says. “I really am beginning to think as I restudy these matters that there’s going to be no big display of any kind. The end is going to come very, very quietly, probably within the next month. It will happen, that is, by Oct. 21.”

After May 21 came and went, Camping — who blamed a similar 1994 misfire on a math error — did readjust his assessment by saying “God’s judgment” was completed on that day, and the final sword would fall today.

“Thus we can be sure that the whole world, with the exception of those who are presently saved (the elect), are under the judgment of God, and will be annihilated together with the whole physical world on Oct. 21,” he says.

In the leadup to May 21, the non-profit took in millions in donations, while thousands of followers spread the word in their hometowns or quit their jobs to set out on caravans that criss-crossed the country. The network also spent millions on 5,000 billboards around the world warning of the coming Apocalypse.

This time Family Radio Network apparently will let Doomsday speak for itself.

“Family Stations, Inc. has no comment concerning Oct. 21,” spokesman Thomas Evans wrote in an email, Inside Bay Areareports. “Our media response was made back in May.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to Home Depot.  I need more paint.  I hope they’re having an end of the world sale complete with complimentary hot dogs.

But, if the shit does hit the fan, you know what to do.


About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator improbablefrontiers.com
This entry was posted in Conspiracy, Universal Absurdity and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I Have Things To Do!

  1. Autumnforest says:

    Dude, I am so on it with the recycled/repurposed. It’s my specialty. Good luck! Have an incredible season.

  2. I’d tell you to quit huffing paint fumes but I think you like the seizures and frothing spittle part.
    (And you wouldn’t listen to me anyway.)

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