Simon Should have Kept His Mouth Shut

Simon says.  So they say.  Sez.  Whatevs.

I preferred when he stuck to drawrings.

Impossibly strange, round-headed kid with freaky mad villain scientist specs, an abominable knit tie and the ability to make his art come to life.  Horrifying.  I think this was the inspiration for a Twilight Zone episode and possibly the Ripper murders.

Sadly, Simons don’t end with that tot.  There are more.

This post could have been titled Most Explosive Death With Least Amount of Effort.  Or Death By Most Silly Means.  Or Death Least Able to Actually Occur in Real Life.

See, what I’m getting at is that I saw a film death so shockingly laughable that I actually laughed.  More like a harumph.

I didn’t even watch Simon Says.  I have seen it repeatedly in the DirecTV menu this last month or so.  I had no clear recollection of the movie, but the name brought bad vibes with it.  Perhaps induced by my recent re-exposure to the Dennis Rodman star vehicle, Simon Sez.  Perhaps it is just the creeps that Crispin Glover tends to bring with him wherever he goes.  I thought Simon Says was a movie from the 80s or early 90s.  Maybe with monkeys.  Along the lines of Monkey Shines, but with more Simon-feel to it.

There is always the chance I’m having flashbacks to Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix.  Shudder.  That hair.  That outfit.  Oh, look, Blade II is on again.

Nevertheless, I managed to catch a few minutes of this foul movie.  It was a kill scene, so I stopped to watch.  What I saw was a pendulum-swinging, upright log (Dutch style) with the business end of a number of pickaxes sticking out.  The trap is sprung, the villain swings the rotating, swinging log of pickaxe-kicking and, as expected, the victims (yes, two clueless melvins in camo gear and armed with paintball guns) explode into a spectacular rain of blood and body bits too small to be identified.  Magical.  It had to be.  How else to explain that cuisinarting action?

I didn’t see this giant joint.  Maybe I need to give the film a full viewing instead of giving it a random award for the day.  But, man, you should have seen those pickaxes rotate!  10 times a minute at the slowest.  On the negative side, there is a dog stomping.  You know how I feel about the exploitation of pet deaths in horror.  It’s lazy.  In the case of Simon Says, it might have worked, but it was the wrong kind of little yappy dog.

The trailers make it look almost dark and edgy funny.  Don’t get suckered.

Camp isn’t all crafts, rollicking intentional unintentional hilarity and late night smootches on the end of the dock.  Sometimes camp is getting touched in bad places, poison oak and drowning in the grasping tentacles of lake weeds.

There were some brighter moments later in the day.  I caught a few seconds of Joshua ( also called Devil’s Child).  Another film I will have to now go back and take a full look at it.  I love a good creepy child movie.  Vera Farmiga is always worth it too.  Put them together and you get something.  You get Orphan.

Or, in 2007, you get Joshua.  What I got was a scene with Farmiga (as Abby Cairn – oooh, spooky name), bleeding from a glass shard to the sole, and slathering her bare calf in blood.  She is languidly staring at nothing while remembering a foggy something.

Abby is all doped up.  Clumsy Abby mumbles like a drug addled mumbler.  I want one of what she’s having.  But just one.

“Ya know, I used to have a pair of red boots…my god, they were so sexy.”

Joshua, the titular child asshole and possible satan spawn, stares on blankly.  Icily.  You aren’t sure what he’s thinking.  Other than that it wasn’t anything good.  I’m sure those boots were damn sexy.

Well, well, well.  What were you doing in that closet?  You and that fake cow who was wearing your red boots?  I wanna party with you.

Later on she goes bat shit at that kid.  Who could blame her.  I can’t believe she held it in so long.  She had pharmaceutical help (oh, don’t even get the Mother-in-Law started on this subject!)

Daddy was there to break it up before Screaming Banshee Mommy could get to the little brat.  Fool.

He’ll be sorrrrrrrry…


About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator
This entry was posted in Film, Literature and Entertainment and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s