I Saw a Saw From Texas, A Texas Chainsaw

Texas Chainsaw

This movie is a 3D movie.  I didn’t watch it in 3D.  I completely forgot it was supposed to be 3D until one of those moments happened that was so made for 3D that even I caught on.  When I selected it on the DirecTV menu, it just told me I was selecting Texas Chainsaw Unrated.  My TV has 3D glasses that I never use.

Maybe I’ll fire that shite up and see what I can see later.  It doesn’t matter much to me.  I wear glasses anyway and adding 3D glasses on top of the glasses that already annoy the hell out of me just ramps the annoyance up to mind bending levels.

Besides 3D is just a thing.  This movie works independently from the 3D aspect.  It really isn’t required that you sort of see a ghostly videopixel chainsaw flying toward your forehead.

As to the movie version I did watch, I rather enjoyed it.  As is my typical take, low expectations and a good idea of what I’m getting into can greatly enhance my ability to enjoy a movie.  I didn’t read any reviews of this one (still haven’t), but I saw plenty of low ranks.  It won’t win an Oscar, but for genre fans and fans of Leatherface, it can entertain.  Of course, there are always those people caught in “story canon” and bullshit of that nature.  It’s a freaking horror film.  Just let it roll and take it as it is.

Nothing truly original happens.  It’s a sequel movie.  How original do we expect something like this to be?

The basic story picks up after the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ends.  A posse of pitchfork and torch wielding locals come and torch the monster’s house after first delivering a good ‘ol Southern “how-do” with a barrage of bullets.

In order to set up this take on the Leatherface story, the family was gunned down before they could offer up Leatherface to the Sheriff with as little fuss as they could, given the tight spot the family found themselves in.  Now, we have all seen various incarnations of this family and might think they deserved it, but due process used to be a thing.  I’m not sure when, but I’ve heard legends about it.

What happens instead of the arrest of Leatherface and ensuing shenanigans is a molotov cocktail to the house, a hail of ammo, and semi-complete mob justice.  The “lone survivor” and her baby are separated and we know without question that Big L doesn’t go down in this fight.

I’m sure you can guess the rest.  Baby grows up, discovers she had a relative that left her a house, goes to find her destiny.  The girl is a butcher by trade, of course, being a Sawyer and is happy to ditch her shithead parents, the very people who took her from the smoldering Sawyer farm way back on August 19th of some year.  That happens to be the day I was born.  Coincidence?…..dun dun DUN!

Ahem, anyway…..the movie goes as expected.  Young folks arrive.  Girl never reads the important letter.  People get butchered.  Secrets come out.  The potential savior is the bad Mayor’s son.  Leatherface survives.

Now, there are a ton of annoying little things.  Things you find in many crappy movies.  Horror movies in particular.

  • Why not read the letter from the unknown relative immediately?  Especially given that the girl knows nothing about any of this.
  • The new homeowner leaves some random hitchhiker at the house.  How trusting we are!
  • The escape that should have happened is foiled by ridiculousness.
  • Man, that is one sturdy fuckin’ chainsaw!
  • Did the police really leave all the evidence in the room with some random girl to look at?  Even the tippy top-secret shizz?  The tippy top-secret shizz you don’t want her to know?
  • The girl gets a clean button-down shirt from a cop because she’s covered in gore.  She only buttons one button.  I, for one, thank her for that.
  • Everything is clean is hell.  The house looks fluffed to sell.  The slaughterhouse looks like it’s ready to pass a health inspection.

We can all get a bit ranty about these things; however, there are other little nuggets that can bring a sly smile.

  • Is that really a little kid in a pig mask wielding a toy chainsaw chasing kids out of the House of Horrors at the Carnival?  You know it.
  • The girl is alive in the freezer!  Nice throwback to Leatherface’s M.O. from the original film.
  • Is Big L listening to “Jimmy Crack Corn“?  Yes, he is.  There is so much beauty in that choice.  Ah, yes, his master’s gone away.
  • The Sheriff is no moron and he knows justice when he sees it.  I appreciate this more than I can say.
  • The post-credits ending.  Fitting and deserved.  Everything comes full circle if you wait long enough.
  • Random Useless Side Comment:  If this movie was made in the 1990s, Fairuza Balk would have been killer as Heather Miller nee Edith Rose Sawyer.  That’s right, killer.

So, what do you get from this movie?  Pretty much what you would expect.  Chainsaws.  Pieces parts.  Young women in distress (though no shameless nudity really, which is just fine).  Cheating boyfriend.  Some goofy horror humor if you’re willing to see it.  The possibility that Leatherface will saw up some more folk in the future.

The body count really isn’t much compared to many modern horror films.  The death scenes are somewhat graphic, offering up the same sorts of tool use and splatter that the original film gave us.  However, compared to what you might find in some of the torture porn genre films, it gives a person pause to consider the amount of shock and awe the original created.  How far we’ve come!?

I’ll admit I liked the last The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.  Most people didn’t.  I saw what I wanted to (don’t you dare look in my basement freezer!) and I enjoy these movies for what they are.  I don’t want convoluted bullshit and a horror version of mousetrap.  I just want big, lumbering faceless (sort of) killers and the thrill of the chase.


About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator improbablefrontiers.com
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2 Responses to I Saw a Saw From Texas, A Texas Chainsaw

  1. There is quite a lot I could say but I think I will settle on this high point (if that’s ok with you). “Little kid in a pig mask wielding a toy chainsaw chasing kids out of the House of Horrors at the Carnival.” YES!

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