Uncle Sam

Happy Independence Day and Canada Day and boiling hot summer.  Everything’s just great.  Pick up a tariff on your way out.  Everyone gets one.

Let’s talk Independence Day horror movies.

Then again, maybe we shouldn’t.  They’re mostly about sharks and aliens and alien sharks.  With a smattering of knowing what teens did one summer or other.

Those are all movies that I’m not going to talk about.

I watched a movie called Uncle Sam, which came out in 1996.  It comes up on a lot of lists about Independence Day horror films.  I read reviews that said it was fun.  One of those bad slasher films that are a joy to watch.  I was promised great one-liners.

As is de rigueur, it was all damnable lies.

What I got was something that would happen if Lifetime made horror movies in the late 1980s.

I’m having a hard time even being snarky about it.  I couldn’t wait for it to end.  The kills were weak and not just because of budgetary issues.  There’s no tension and no fun.

A kid with a broken leg doesn’t even whimper as the bone pokes through his jeans.  An ax to the face happens off camera.  A lawyer dressed like Abe Lincoln got shot in the head with a gun used for the carnival shooting booth.  I think that was supposed to be funny or edgy.  It wasn’t anything.  I didn’t care.  I doubt anyone else did.  Including Lincoln.

The big fireworks scene was watched by a creepy, smiling crowd of yokels.  Seeing a dirty congressman get blown up has never been so emotionless for me or the townies.  No crowd could enjoy that fireworks display, no matter how many politicians got blown up.

The filmmakers have clearly never been to a fireworks warehouse off the highway at a state border.  I think my neighbors have better rockets.  I can hear them now.  Chicago parks and alleys sound like a war zone tonight.

I’m surprised the congressman didn’t suffocate under a giant black snake ash pile.  That might have been funny at least.

The main kid was thoroughly unlikeable.  I was disappointed that he wasn’t going to die at the end.  He would probably be the killer in Uncle Sam 2 if it is ever made.  I don’t expect that to happen.  There could be no greater evil than making a sequel to this film.

I guess I should mention that Isaac Hayes is in the movie, but it’s hardly a fact worth mentioning.  He plays a guy with a wooden leg.

I could draw some parallels with the current political climate, but why pile that shit even higher.

Maybe they tried to make a statement about crass patriotism, sketchy citizens, or pointless wars, but it was mostly just a really boring movie that didn’t succeed as a decent slasher or a horror parody because it wasn’t committed to either.  Even the musical score was uninspired.

I knew I should have watched Raging Sharks.


About I.M. Pangs

digital verbal smog creator improbablefrontiers.com
This entry was posted in Film, Film, Literature and Entertainment and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Uncle Sam

  1. I got your shark right here

    (save a tariff or two for me willya? >.<)

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